Sunday, October 14, 2012

Reading On The Can

A while back I purchased a bunch of Patrick McManus' books just to keep up on his humor. I read several and since my wife is not a McManus fan, dropped them into the bag that we take to the used book store to trade for more books. In my wife's words, "You can't have too many books". I found out, when she got back that Patrick McManus books are something that they can't use. I'll donate them to the local hospice, but that's not what this post is about.

Because of that, it brought to my attention that I have several other McManus books that I haven't read yet. How can this be you ask? I have something like three shelves of the bookcase full of books that my wife has read, but I haven't. Obviously I'm a slow reader, or she's reading while I'm watching TV (which is more likely). Behind the pile on the top shelf were several McManus books, so I took one out and put it on the window sill in the bathroom for future perusal.

Now you can't tell me that every man out there (and some/most women) doesn't have something to read while they are doing their business. Well, this particular book is Kerplunk. Most of you have probably already read it and the chapter I'm on is "Silent but deadly".

Like McManus says in the book, dog flatulence is a crude topic, but as I'm reading the part about the pheasant hunters driving over the speed limit with the heads of the dogs hanging out the window as well as the hunters, I'm laughing so hard at the mental image that I almost fell off the, well can. Then he goes into the part about Strange (his dog) and the turkey gravy and I'm roaring with laughter. It's the little hairy Zeppelin comment that really sets me off.

Now anyone that has or has had a dog knows how bad this can be. What it brought to mind and I don't like to speak ill of the dead, was Smudge. You remember our baby kitty we lost last year.        

My wife always said that Smudge was "sensitive", but we found out that he was actually a sick kitty most of his short (3 years) life. He would have stomach problems and we had to get him special dry cat food to settle him. All during his life his motto was "My Dad is my life". Every time I sat in my recliner, Smudge would run a circle around the chair and then jump up and lay down between my legs.

Well this brings me to the part about the book that made me laugh so hard. Even though the book was about a dog, if you've never experienced cat flatulence, let me tell you it's worse than a dog and Smudge, bless his little gray kitty heart, was a pro. He could clear a room in less that 15 seconds. The thing is, we never experienced such a thing until we got Smudge.

Jeff Foxworthy says that you can say anything about anyone and if you add "Bless their heart" it makes it OK. So Smudge, "bless your heart" you were a little stinker.     

I'm sure there is more good stuff to come in this and his other books, but if you've never read his books, do so, you won't be disappointed.

I hope I didn't offend anyone with this post, but if I did remember flatulence is a fact of life. After all how many of you guys out there stuck a match by your butt and cut one?



  1. Mark, you got me laughing so hard I cut the mustard. I think that's a normal sign of old age for most of us. And yes, I have my small library stocked with assorted books and magazines...depending on how long I will be there.

  2. I don't know if you knew this already, Mark, Patrick McManus is my favoite author. I have a few of his books and always looking for more when I visit the book stores. When I read his books full of short outdoor stories, I find myself quite often laughing out loud, too! I just finished reading "Kerplunk" and can attest to how much fun I had reading it. Being the Mayor of Geezerville, I can tell you that flatulence periods are quite frequent here!

  3. I know the drill. It's a reward for attaining our golden years.

  4. I'd say you got to be careful what kind of reading you do on the can. Can't be laughing so hard you fall off. And thanks for the shout out in your post about heading to the inlet. I admit I laughed at you jumping at feeling something strange brushing against you. I used to be nervous about what might be swimming around down below me, but I figure I would have been lunch a long time ago if there was anything dangerous. But don't you live in a state where people flush alligators down the toilet? Just saying...

    1. I thought the alligator in the toilet thing was in New York. It would be my guess that an alligator would be hard pressed to live in a lake that freezes over in the winter, but you never know.