The Bare Facts About Halloween

Happy Halloween

Mark

Jokes

I've been forwarding jokes to a distribution group for some time now. Unfortunately with my current email carrier it's becoming increasingly difficult to get them to forward. My average is about 1 in 4 that go through.

To circumvent that, I thought I'd use them to fill in space where I don't have a fishing post and then everybody can enjoy them.

Now I want to let you know upfront that I only forward them I do not create them. Some are not so politically correct so if someone gets offended, I apologize in advance.

I'll try to keep them as clean as possible. You can also let me know what you think in the comments section.

Here's the first one:


Humour for smart people

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding,  subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are the winners:
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

 2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realise it was your money to start with.

4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

5. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

6. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

7. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

8. Glibido: All talk and no action.

9. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

10. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

And the winners are:

1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.

11. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

12. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men

Mark

Sunday About Friday on Saturday

OK, we've done Friday on Saturday for 3 weeks. Time to decide whether to keep it or toss it.

I could go through all the trouble of doing one of those poll things, but I think a simple comment would suffice.

I would like everyone's opinion, but I know a lot of you like to stay in the background. So, those who would let me know, go to the comment section and say "Keep it" or "Toss it".

Thanks in advance.

Mark

Friday on Saturday #3

An Amador Angler — ‘Be Prepared’ to fish Upcountry

Full Silverado

Kautz fills his Silverado with fishing gear and extra clothing. ledger dispatch photo by mark kautz

Posted on October 25, 2013

by Jerry Budrick

By Mark Kautz

ledger dispatch columnist

It’s the time of year again for a short reminder to be careful Upcountry.

Being prepared when you venture Upcountry is an absolute necessity. One of the big words is “layer.” Never a truer word has been spoken. You can always take off a layer or two, but you can’t add layers if you don’t have them. When I head out for a day of fishing, my truck is full of clothes. Because I drive an extended-cab pickup doesn’t mean I have tons of space in the back. In fact, when you add in three tackle boxes, two buckets — one for fish and the other for bungee cords/rope/bug spray — a chair pad, a camping chair, tarp, first aid kit (handy to have) and a big net, it doesn’t leave much space for clothes.

We’ll start with rain. I’m a weenie when it comes to fishing in the rain, but, in the winter, fishing in the rain (if you’re one of those brave enough or stupid enough to get out there when it’s raining) is a whole ‘nother ball game. You get caught in a winter rain and you can get into trouble in a hurry. Ever heard of hypothermia, which is subnormal body temperature? It can be deadly. You want to make sure you have proper clothing. I carry a rain coat, rain pants and a fleece hoodie to wear under it, as well as top and bottom thermals. You can’t have enough clothes.

How about snow? I have a fleece-lined parka, two fleece watch caps, ear muffs, three types of gloves — neoprene, fleece-lined leather and fingerless fleece, with finger covers — and chemical hand warmers, lots of chemical hand warmers. I carry all this, with the exception of the parka, in my backpack, which is always with me. I also have a blanket in the truck, stashed under the back seat.

You always want to make sure you have extra food and water with you. I have an ice chest that fits behind the passenger seat, in which I carry several bottles of water, a couple of sandwiches, half-a-dozen granola bars — I like chocolate-coated, chocolate chip ones, from Quaker — and a thermos of coffee.

How about a shovel? I always have one of those fold-up army shovels that the GI’s in WWII carried on their backs and, in the winter, if I’m wandering Upcountry, I also carry a plastic snow shovel. At the beginning of winter, I’m always reminded of the time I went up Wrights Lake Road to fish Lyons Creek (it had water back then) and in the morning I drove right over a big patch of snow. Coming back later that day was a different story and once I got high-centered because the snow had started to melt, it took me more than three hours to dig myself out. A nice big snow shovel would have been a great accessory.

One last thing, remember to always, always, let someone know where you are going and when you plan to return.

Just a few suggestions from someone who lives Upcountry, fishes Upcountry, and has an insatiable need to explore roads never traveled before. You would be surprised how many good fishing spots you find just wandering the back roads. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a person who puts himself in harm’s way, and, if things get dicey, I’ll be the first one to turn around and leave it for another day.

One additional item I want to add this year is vehicle maintenance. Since I bought my Chevy Silverado, I’ve had it maintained on a regular basis by GMC, in Folsom. Many may not have the funds to do constant maintenance on a vehicle, but because I do, I have the confidence to take it Upcountry and not worry about it breaking down, even though it has more than 200,000 miles on it. I also keep a good set of mud and snow tires on it. Helps keep you from getting stuck.  

I guess my point is, always be prepared. If you watch the news prior to a big snowstorm, you always see the CHP telling Mike TeSelle from KCRA 3 (poor guy always gets stuck with reporting in the snow from Blue Canyon) to carry extra clothes, food and blankets. Good advice from the CHP guy, who always comes to your rescue if you’re in trouble.

As Sergeant Phil Esterhaus on Hill Street Blues would say, “Hey, let’s be careful out there.” Tight Lines.

I'm A Lousy Fishing Guide

We were ready. We had crawlers. We had crickets. We had Kastmasters. We had fly rods. We had streamers. We had egg imitations. We had everything to catch Browns.

Who's we? Juan from the Breaking the Bank Blog and Moi. We had everything we needed except a forklift to get it all to the lake.

My plan: Take Juan up to the "secret" lake and have him catch his first ever Brown. Didn't matter if it was on his new Reddington fly rod or a spinning rod. He'd never caught one before and today was the day. With all that gear, how could we go wrong?

Got to the lake at about 0845 and started with fly rods and egg imitations. Then switched to black Wooly Buggers. After a frustrating hour we threw down the fly rods, OK set them gently down and started swinging crickets and crawlers.  

This is Juan not catching anything at the "secret" lake.

Juan, fishless at the "secret" lake

While he was not catching, I managed one small brown (so he could see what one looked like) on a cricket and one small Rainbow on half a crawler. Nothing intended, just lucky.

Then some guy shows up telling us about the 14 inchers, 16 inchers, and 5 pounder he caught there the other day. I probably should have just thrown him in the lake. 

A little past Noon we disgustingly packed up and headed for Cook's Station for a burger lunch. But first we stopped over on the dam and threw Kastmasters for a while.

After eating we had planned to hit Silver Lake, but detoured to the Middle Fork of the Cosumnes at Cat Creek Rd. You'll recall that this was the first place Juan fished for trout on a fly rod and caught 4. We had hopes of a few more and maybe a small Brown.

This is Juan not catching anything at Cat Creek

Once again, Juan came up fishless, but on the other hand so did I. OK, so the day wasn't a complete loss, Juan did get two good hits at the "secret" lake and two good driveby's at Cat Creek, but that was it.

Some days you just can't win. Take every kind of bait any sane Brown would want, and come up empty handed.

I think I'll go into the bedroom and have a good cry. Don't even go there.

Mark

The Rim Fire

You remember me telling you about the Rim Fire that was burning down and in Yosemite National Park?

Yeh, it's still burning, if you can believe that. It's been more than 2 months since it was started by an illegal fire started by a hunter.

Current size is 257,000 acres and has cost more than 127 million dollars to fight.

Cal Fire estimates full containment by this weekend.










I've never been able to understand the people that are going to stay and protect their house.

Would you?

Would I? Not a chance.

Mark

It's All About The Smell

Back in the 80's I met my Brother and Sister-in-Law in Honolulu, Hawaii. We planned a week on the islands with three days in Honolulu and 2 days in Kauai.

Our hotel was the Outrigger Waikiki. The Outrigger has two options for rooms. Ocean view and partial ocean view. We had a partial ocean view room, but all you had to do is walk out on the balcony and you could see the ocean instead of seeing it through  the sliding glass doors.

OK, for a little 90 degree turn here, while we were in Honolulu, two things happened. These are things I forgot to put in the book when I wrote it.

By the way I still have a few copies left for the mere price of $10.00 and a little postage if you want to get a copy. Email me at mkautz@volcano.net and if you're out of the country I can find out from the Post Office what the postage would be and if you approve, I can send you a Paypal invoice.

Back to Honolulu. We went out deep sea fishing for Marlin one afternoon. We didn't catch a marlin, but we did catch a bunch of little tuna's. When I say little, I'm thinking 15 to 18 pounds, but when you're using a rod and reel designed for marlin, reeling in a 15/18 pound tuna is like reeling a 6 inch trout on 4# test line. All you do is skim it across the surface, that is unless it was the size of the one that swam right by the boat. As an estimate, I would say it was about the size of a Volkswagon Beetle. We chased it for a good bit of time, but could never get it to take the bait.

One other thing about this fishing trip, was sitting up on the flying bridge with the captain. Every so often he would duck his head. Couldn't figure out why he was doing that until the third time I got a face full of water. OK, I got it then. 

The other part of Honolulu was my Brother driving down Moana Lane in downtown Waikiki and had stopped at a stoplight. A motorcycle officer pulled up on the passengers side and tapped on the window. My Sister-in-Law rolled down the window and the officer asked for my Brothers license. He asked if my Brother noticed his seat belt was not fastened. Now remember, the was the 80's and most states didn't have seat belt laws except Hawaii.

So my Brother being a judge, handed his wallet with his badge (officer of the court and all) to the policeman. "A Superior Court Judge in Los Angeles Huh" the officer said. "Yup" my Brother said. He was going to get out of this one.

By now you're wondering what all this babbling has to do with fishing. Well, I'm not quite there, yet.

On the island Kauai, we stayed at the Kauai Hilton. They have three types of rooms. Ocean view, partial ocean view, and the one we stayed in that was ocean smell. Stand out on the balcony the inhale the smell of the ocean. Wasn't quite a nice as a partial ocean view, but you still had the smell and it's all about the smell.

Which brings me to today. Out the door and after a coffee stop in the dark. Cook's generator must have been out because I poured coffee by flash light. Then up the hill to Silver Lake.

Out to the spot I've been fishing the last few times and out with two rods of rainbow Power Bait. 

Chair was on the rock to the left, not in the Cubby

Sunshine and blue skies as you can see in the picture below.

Sunrise in your eyeballs

I sat there for a good hour and had nothing to show for my troubles. I was obviously concerned since the last few times I've been here it's been fish after fish.

I reeled in one rod and with new bait I added a bit of Pro-Cure sweet corn. A half hour later I reeled in the other rod and with new bait and a dab of Pro-Cure Garlic sent it back out. Within minutes I brought the first fish to hand. A small (9 inches) rainbow released for another day.

I put the rod back out again with garlic and again within minutes the second came to hand. It too was small and went back for another day. Then I put both rods out  with garlic. Half our later and nothing to show for my efforts, reeled in one and put it out with a dab of Pro-Cure Anise. Almost as soon as it hit the water I had a bite, but missed it. New bait and again a hit almost as soon as it hit the water. This time it was a Rainbow about 12 inches. I was not planning to bring any fish home today so he went back too.

Between the garlic and the anise, I caught and released five with one additional short distance release at my toes, and 4 or 5 missed bites, it turned out to be an "It's All About The Smell" kind of day.

Oh, and my Brother and the seat belt, the officer said  "You should know better" and wrote him a ticket.

I will be out again on Thursday. I taking Juan Breaking The Bank Blog up to the "Secret Lake" for some fly fishing practice. Should be interesting.

Till then.

Mark

Friday on Saturday #2

An Amador Angler — Upcountry wasps win the war

Silver Lake Trout

Posted on October 17, 2013

By Mark Kautz

Amador Ledger Dispatch contributor

I started last week with a trip to the Silver Fork of the American River. I wanted to fish the downstream side of the bridge at Hell’s Delight Road. On the spur of the moment, I decided to drive down the road toward Kyburz and fish a couple of places that were good last year and then I could fish Hell’s Delight on the way back.

The first place I stopped didn’t produce anything on a yellow Paralyzer (dry fly) and my take was that the water was just too cold. I shot my digital thermometer and it came back at 43.7 degrees. Trout just don’t move much at that temperature.

I moved a little farther downstream to another place where I caught several on a Yellow Humpy (another dry fly) last year. This is where the day went down the toilet. As I was walking to the water, I guess I walked right over a nest of ground wasps and never saw them until they were stinging the *#@* out of my neck and ears. Fortunately, I had on my sweatshirt, vest and waders, or it could have been much worse.

I figure I got nailed six times before I could get far enough away for them to leave me alone. I even tried to go back to the water about 100 feet farther away and they kept coming. Getting stung a half-dozen times did not do a lot for my enthusiasm, and I just called it a day.

Once I got home, I went out on the Internet and found that one of the remedies for wasp stings is to put ice on them. So, I went to the freezer and got out a cold pack — you know, one of those blue things that somewhat freeze — wrapped it in a towel and applied it to the wasp stings. See if you can envision this, a cat, hanging on the ceiling upside down by its claws. That was me, hanging upside down from the ceiling, by my fingernails. Putting the ice on the sting increased the pain by 10-to-the-50th power. I won’t go into all the four-letter expletives I said — suffice it to say it really hurt.

On Friday morning, I planned to do a little fishing, because Monday was such a disaster. There was no way I was going to Silver Fork, although the thought did cross my mind, but just for a fleeting second.

My first stop was Bear River Reservoir, where I climbed down to the water and put out two rods with rainbow Power Bait and sat on a rock for an hour trying to get the fish that were tapping on my line to stay put. No dice. I packed up and headed for Silver Lake, which was my intended destination in the first place.

Once again, I parked in the day use area and, after donating my $5 to El Dorado Irrigation District (parking fee), walked down to the lake.

The water level in Silver Lake had dropped several feet since I was last there on Sept. 25. Instead of the cubbyhole I parked in then, I chose a higher perch, just to the left. From there, I could see several big rock formations in front of where I was, just waiting to snag my line.

I put out two rods with rainbow Power Bait. I put one straight out about 50 feet and the other to the left, about 100 feet out. My friend Yuki had fished here, the next day after we had such a good day on the 25th and had very little luck, so I had no expectations for today, especially after Bear.

I parked in my red camping chair and, with a sandwich bag of red grapes, settled in for the duration. I was so startled when one rod started doing the “fish on” bounce that I dropped the bag of grapes and several rolled down the rocks into the water. This was just the start of what turned out to be 45 minutes of catching fish. The first four came within the first 20 minutes and the fifth came at 45 minutes.

The time between the 4th and 5th fish gave me time to eat the rest of the grapes that hadn’t fallen in the water. At press time, if we haven’t had any good snow storms or really cold weather, Silver Lake would be a good bet for a fish or five.

Tight lines.